just home now

progress

I can see the mountains today.

Not the ones that I can always see, the foothills that line the view out my kitchen window. No, today, I can see the mountains, the ones covered in snow, the majestic ones, the breathtaking ones, the ones that sit behind the foothills, looming bigger and whiter, 

the ones that I mostly forget are even there. 

Mornings like this I am reminded...

they have been there all the time. 

I just couldn't see them. 

 I started having short, infrequent contractions the night before last.

I am dilated 1 cm. 

Yesterday I got to see my son's face on ultrasound. 

It has been there all this time. 

And soon I will see...

the majesty, the breathtaking...

I can't wait to see him. 

 

ready to hatch

I am very, very pregnant. 

I can't see my feet. I waddle a bit. I pee generally ten times every night. My stomach is upside down and so my heartburn is overwhelming. My ankles are huge. My tummy is stretching. My overriding hormones are knocking at the door, waiting for their cue. 

I never forget that I am pregnant, not lately. 

But I do look at this bump in my body every single day and wonder....

Really? 

Really?

How did this happen? 

After absolutely and completely resigning myself to infertility, one pregnancy only, possible adoption someday, no more biological kids, no more breastfeeding, no more labor, no more newly born...

after giving up and trusting that this was the path...

how did this come to pass?

And what happens next?

update

 Sea World...

...

Hippie musicians from Seattle who came to stay with us...

...

Dear Jane Luncheon at my house...

...

Sewing Party, my favorite fabric shop...

...

My husband performing comedy at the House of Blues in Hollywood...

...

And FIVE weeks left until I am FULL TERM...

hard drive

Great photos. 

This is why I don't post as much as I used to. I have just a tad over eight thousand photos on my hard drive. It makes using the computer...painful. Even Captain says, "Daddy, can I use your comfuter? Mommy's is too slow."

My four year old. 

But it is because I have just about eight thousand great pictures. And I don't want to lose them so I am scared to move them to a hard drive. What if in the process, some OR ALL are lost? What then? 

Baby Captain. Year on the road. Old friends. Christmases. Anniversary dinners. Projects. Weddings. Our wedding. Family. 

I think I would be heart broken....

so instead I sacrifice 40 minutes just to write a mini blog entry and ensure my pictures stay safe. 

The above is a photo of Paint Night Anniversary Dinner with my sister-in-law. 

Mona. 

Buzzy just takes the BEST pictures of the two of us. 

Also, I don't have gestational diabetes. 

I don't know what this blog is becoming....neurotic, random, and clumsy...just like me. 

time again

Time, time, time.

I am waiting in the lobby of the lab. For three hours, I am waiting. I am doing a glucose tolerance test to find out if I have gestational diabetes, to find out if I get any more peanut butter M&Ms before November 20^th, to find out if I need to start watching every little thing that I eat and drink. I am waiting.

And I am about half way done already.

At the beginning, I wanted the time to move so quickly, to hurry and be done. I was willing it to progress, to tick and tock, to get going. Now, towards the end, I find that it just keeps on and is keepin on; the momentum is fixed. The finish line is near. It has nothing to do with me.

 

And I am 31 weeks pregnant.

And I just wanted it to move so quickly. I tried to will the time forward. I held my breath for 20 weeks and then I held it for 10 more. I counted the days. I prayed and hoped and feared.

And yet, the time had nothing to do with me.

It was fixed.

And now here I am.

And this last week, I barely even noticed that I moved from 30 to 31 weeks.

Sometime soon I will go into labor. My body will try to produce new life. I have seen the face of this life. I have dreamt of him. I have watched his hand open and close. I have felt him turn and move and kick and hiccup.

And it is not my will, not my power, not my might that makes the hours pass and the moments turn and grow.

summer

This is the oh-what-a-summer post.

We vacationed in the desert. 

We played at the beach. Many times.

We went to the circus. 

We tried to pick strawberries, but we were too late. 

 

We houseboated. 

We saw family and friends. 

I grew. 

Captain started karate. 

We skipped Paint Day. 

I didn't lose my job. Neither did Buz. 

The summer zoomed by. 

We watched with joy. 

less is more

I took about two hundred less photos at houseboats this summer, compared to when we went two years ago when I think I brought home around five or six hundred. What's wrong with me? 

I still got alot that I like. 

My boys had fun. For me, the heat was too much. One hundred and fifteen degrees of pure baking temperatures mixed with the natural, hormonal oven of my womb incubating this new little dude...it was rough. Thank you Lord for air conditioning. Really. I thank the creator of everything for mercy on some really difficult days. 

I got to see my son try water skiing for the first time. 

What a life. 

houseboats

This was Lake Mead two years ago. We are headed back for a week on houseboats. We leave tomorrow. 

I am looking forward to several things. 

Being in water all day, every day. 

The peace and stillness of the lake. 

Seeing my husband as happy as he can possibly be. 

Spending time with some people I really love. 

Watching Captain love the water. 

Living simply. 

This color every single day. 

What new adventures await...

dream

In the daytime I dream. I daydream. I imagine quilts that I want to finish and some I would like to just start. I think about the baby blanket I will make for my soon son. I consider maternity shirts that I want to sew. They would look and feel fantastic, light. I ponder names for Captain Two. I put together a baby registry in my head. I formulate the best blog entry ever. I plan events for Buzzy and for Captain. I look forward to the future. In my head. My day dreams. 

In the nighttime I dream too. Those dreams are not so fun. 

Anxiety and fear. Losing the baby. Deserting my Captain. Having my son and husband taken away from me. I worry in these dreams. How money will work. How painful and devastating labor will be. All the unknowns, all the problems, all the potential harm, they flood my dreams and I wake up with a stomachache. In the middle of the night, I reach for Buz to anchor me. I have come to hate sleeping. 

How can anyone sleep in this heat anyway? And having to pee every hour doesn't help. 

I would love to write an entry about how thankful I am to be pregnant. And I truly am thankful. It is a miracle of all miracles. And I marvel EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day, I think, "Am I really pregnant?"

But the green has worn off. My eyes are tired. I don't know what the future holds but sometimes just knowing what the future is capable of is paralyzing enough. 

Everyday I choose life. I choose to hope. I choose to love God and trust. In the day, my choices are set. 

But at night, when my best intentions fall asleep, the deepest parts come to life. And they have their say. 

And I just wait for the morning.

I am waiting. 

three

This weekend we celebrated our son's fourth birthday. 

Everyone was so generous with gifts and love and lavish attention for my boy. 

Thank you so much to all. 

The past four years have been pure joy. 

I couldn't ask for a greater blessing than my two men, 

the boys that I will walk through this life with, 

the ones that will hold my heart for all my days. 

Imagine my exploding, hopeful, spinning mind when today I learned

that in 20 weeks, 

I will get to meet my other SON, 

the newest part of my heart that even right now is 

just sitting and waiting,

waiting to be spent. 

We are having a boy.